Phrases you wish you'd never hear again...

 Thursday, November 11, 2010

Something my friend Brittany said last night made me think of this topic for a blog in the "Opinions are like buttoholes..." series. These are just a few of the classic phrases that I hear nearly daily as a new mom-to-be....and hate hearing.

"Just you wait..."

This phrase seems to be a classic among moms when talking to either fellow moms who's children are younger than their own, or a pregnant woman.

For example:

You: "Man, my back is killing me"

Mom 1: "Oh, just you wait. It gets worse."

Mom 2: "Yep. And wait until you have to carry that baby around crying all night!"

This is when you the new mom-to-be starts to look around for back up. Your praying that someone will step in for the rescue and tell you that it did get better, or just another new mom-to-be would walk up and whisk you away.

*It should be noted right now that this same scenario would have played out in a similar fashion even if you had said "Man, I feel good today." This is just one of those times in your life where you simply can't win. You have to just accept that this will happen to you on a daily basis. This would be a good time for you to practice the classic "nod and smile" in the mirror at night because you will use it daily.

"Don't you worry though..."

Once someone knows you are pregnant, either by you telling them or them seeing your belly, they consider you fair game for all of their pregnancy related stories as well. Most of the favorite stories they like to tell are the ones that will scare you. Its like they get some sick reward from making you stare at them like a deer in headlights.

People like to tell you about their cousin's wives sister who labored for 46 hours, pushed for 4, only to need a c-section and nearly bled to death while the doctors worked on resuscitating the baby. Great. Incase I wasn't worried about labor enough.

Or how their friends aunt 15 year ago had to deliver a stillborn child on its due date.  Thanks for making want to cry my eyes out.

Sometimes the stories are a bit more mild and its just how their husband watched a hemorrhoid appear as they pushed. Gross. Thanks for making me want to hurl.

They like to see you squirm I think. Or maybe they think you honestly care and want to hear those things. Most of the time those stories are followed by "but I'm sure that wont happen to you." / "don't you worry though." Thanks. I feel great after that little story session. 

"Well when I was pregnant (or in labor)..."

For many of woman out there pregnancy and labor are a rite of passage. They are what makes you a 'real woman'. Some of these people take it to far and have what I'd like to call "heroine syndrome".

They want to feel and look like a hero. The way they accomplish this is by comparing everything about their pregnancy and/or labor to someone-elses. Another synonymous name for them would be "one uppers". These woman generally start every sentence with the phrase "Well when I was pregnant..."

Your morning sickness and back pain will never be as bad as theirs is. You will never have eaten as healthy as they did. Your labor will never be as long, hard, or painful as their was either.

These woman will tell you that they were sick their whole pregnancy, yet managed to get in every single pre-natal and ate salad at least 3 times a week. Their back pain was so bad that they saw a chiropractor weekly but never took a Tylenol for fear it would hurt their unborn child. Their labor lasted at least 20 hours, but of course they had absolutely no pain meds and didn't scream even after pushing out a 10 pound baby boy and ripping from hole to hole. They will also never let you forget that even after all of that; their boobs never hurt when they nursed, they lost all of their baby weight plus 5 extra pounds in the first month postpartum, and ran a marathon while pushing a jogging stroller 5 months later.

Warning: You don't want to be this woman. Everyone hates you and thinks about pushing you in front of a moving vehicle on a regular bases. They also think your child is annoying, not 'advanced' or 'precious'.

I'm sure their are more phrases that I wish I would never hear again when it comes to pregnancy, but these were the first that came to mind. Does anyone else have something to add? Do these ring a bell with you?

Until tomorrow. If you're still there.


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