The truth is...

 Monday, August 2, 2010

Today while on Facebook I saw the status of a dear friend. For some reason it made me want to tell you all my story. You should no now I never thought I was lying. I felt I was being private, with a private matter. But I don't want anyone to ever think I'm a liar or would lie to them about anything. I'm an open book from here on out. Thats what a blog is for right? To share everything?

I never felt like I was lying until today (and even then I didn't feel like I was lying, but I was scared you might think I was.), and thats how I knew it was my time to share. Before now I wasn't ready, I was still trying to figure things out myself, and I didn't want people treating me differently or think less of me. And lets be honest, some things are just not everyone else's business.

I have been overweight and obese my whole life. Unless you have been there, you have no idea what that is like. I've done diet after diet, I've lost 40lbs here, 30 there, and gained it all back and more. Maybe some of it is metabolic, some is genetic, some is being lazy, and some is over eating. The last two are like a vicious cycle. Once your big your don't feel comfortable doing anything, much less working out, so you don't. Meaning you sit around, and you eat. Meaning you gain weight. Never getting the upper hand.

About 2 years ago I started throwing the idea of Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) around. You know, Lap Band and Gastric Bypass?  Basically in both cases they restrict the size of your stomach, so you can consume less at a time. Gastric Bypass being the more extreme/ forever option, but the basic concept is the same.



I came 'thisclose' to having Lap Band when Brian was deployed to Iraq last time. I even got to the hospital the day of surgery and backed out. That was the best decision I ever made, because at that point in life I don't think I was really at a point where I was willing or able to deal with my issues, mostly my addiction to food. That is right, I said addiction. I was living to eat, not eating to live.

Fast-forward to around Sept/Oct 2009 and I started to research weight loss surgery all over again. Went to a seminar and everything. I really felt it was time. Losing weight and getting 'skinny' was not my intention. I had no health problems at the time. No high blood pressure, no diabetes, nothing. I was lucky, but I knew it was coming any day. Not only did it all run in my family but I was fat...really fat. I wanted to live a long life with my husband and best friend. I wanted to have children with him. I wanted to live, not just sit on the sidelines, and I needed something to kick-start me into gear.

January 5th 2010 I went under the knife and had Roux-en-Y gastric bypass. Yep, I did it. It was my last ditch effort to save my own life.  Exactly a month before Brian left for Afghanistan. Can you imagine mine and his stress level?

I had a very rough month following the surgery and serious regretted having ever done it. Not only was I in horrible pain (leave it to me to pull and oblique muscle the day I was leaving the hospital, and only being able to take tylenol), but even water made me feel sick. Within two weeks I was back in the hospital being "scoped" to and having my "pouch" (new stomach) stretched. It was a rough month and I hated everything.

My family and a few friends know about this surgery. I was selective in who I told about it because I needed support. Not to mention I just really felt it was personal. I was sacred of failure and didn't need or want other people sitting around waiting for me to fail. When going through such a huge  and trying time, the last thing you need is anyones negative thoughts.

*Please tell me you understand. Nod your head and at least let me know your following please. *

I didn't want the classic comments people seem to give:

"Oh wow, that sounds dangerous. Are you sure?"
"So, your not going to do it on your OWN?" (Like I'm cheating somehow?)
"Maybe you should try on your own one more time. You don't look that big."

There are plenty more.

I was sure, even knowing the risks, one being death on the table. I was going to do it on my own. Its not like someone was going to lose the weight for me. And I was that big. I did qualify after all.

(Before. 2 years ago when Brian was deployed to Iraq)

People seem to think that this surgery is a fix all, but its not. I can still eat a fair amount of food (about the same amount that my skinny/average sized friends eat), and nothing keeps me from eating something high in fat and calories. It was easy the first few months because I was still healing and really couldn't eat much, now, 7 months out, thats not the case. Its just like being on a hardcore diet, but I've seen results so that is what keeps me going. Sure, large quantities of sugar at one time will make me sick. That is about it, and that certainly couldn't keep me from eating one of those huge cupcakes over the corse of the day, "just a piece" here and there. Heck, my friends have seen me eat some bad food that would make you realize this post-op life is not what you might be thinking it is.

I never felt the need to tell everyone I had Gastric Bypass because I didn't and still don't feel I owe all of my weight loss to my surgery. I owe the jumpstart I got to it. Yeah, losing 30lbs in less than two months from only eating liquids and soft food was great. But anyone would lose weight if thats all they could have without getting sick. There was nothing magic about that exactly. The surgery made me go through that, yeah. Losing that weight and seeing that result is what made me want to change my life for good. I didn't change or want to change before surgery, it was after. It was the fact that I wanted to keep that 30lbs off, and lose 30 more that kept me going. I didn't want to go back to where I was before. And believe me, it wouldn't be that hard to go back at this point if I wanted to.

I have done this on my own! No one has worked out for me (and believe me I work out like crazy), or watched what I ate for me. I have lost every single one of these 115lbs on my own. The surgery didn't do it for me and neither did anyone else.

I have told more and more people about this, and honestly, I've been surprised of the support I've gotten. I guess I underestimated people and their kindness. Until today (why today I'll never know), I just wasn't comfortable coming out and broadcasting this for all of the world to see.

Im not ashamed of what I did. I love my RNY and the lifestyle changes it made me make those first few months, that I have stuck to for 7 months. I never felt like I was lying to people by not telling them in general conversation. I even "came clean" to some people who I knew were in the same boat I was before surgery. Other people I told I was watching my calories (which I am!....like a Nazi. Sometimes to the point were close friends and family worry. But that is for another post entirely.) and working out (which I am, like a Nazi! Once again, just ask my friends). I share my eating habits with anyone who asks about them! I really do believe that its the way I eat (choosing healthy things, high protein, complex carbs) and working out that has made me successful. Not my surgery. It is just a small part of all of this. It is just what got me started. I just wasn't in the mood to hear negative thoughts. Now, I don't care.

I don't care now because I'm happy. I have gone from a size 24 to a size 12. I am proud of that, and I did do that all on my own! I still have a ways to go, and I will have to stay even more dedicated and diligent to get there.

The first few months the weight did fall off, but hell, if all you could have for a month was jello you'd drop weight like water too. Now? I lose weight like a normal person on a diet. 1-2lbs a week, some weeks none. I can eat bad and stall myself out or gain weight. I can neglect working out and do the same thing. I have fought off every inch and pound I've lost through diet and exercise. And please don't tell me the WLS no longer makes my working out and dieting worth anything. Because if you knew anything at all, or anything about me, you would know that wasn't true. You'd know I have literally worked my ass off.

So there you have it people. I had Gastric Bypass. That is what started me on this journey to a healthy lifestyle the same way Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers does for other people, now its up to me. I'm proud of that. I'm no poster child for the most healthy lifestyle now. I'm no gold star student, and I don't really have any more will power than the next person. I just finally got fed up and did something about it, the best way I knew how. To save my life.

 If your not okay with it, then so be it. Go elsewhere.

Until tomorrow. If you're still there.

11 comments:

krystal e. johnson August 2, 2010 at 2:16 PM  

go you morgan, you look GOOD and you're healthy. live the best life for yourself and your husband!! you want to have kids and be alive for them and anyone who wants to judge you can just shut up!! it makes me so angry when people have negative things to say about people who get gastic or lap band... you're trying to better yourself and it's WORKING!

you're not a child anymore!! you are a beautiful WOMAN and living a great life!! so proud of you!!!

mrscoffeejunkie August 2, 2010 at 2:17 PM  

Wow, hunny! Congrats to you! You look fabulous, and you are rocking! I came to the realization today after looking at pictures of myself from my son's birthday yesterday that I have completely let myself go, and I'm disgusted. I hope that I can dig deep and find that will power that you have! Such an inspiration! <3

~Sarah~ August 2, 2010 at 2:25 PM  

Congratulations Morgan!! You look great! I hope you get nothing but positive feedback from your decision to make this public! I know it is not an easy choice!! :D Huggles!! ~Sarah~

Vimi,  August 2, 2010 at 3:44 PM  

Morgan, Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad for doing this. Nor should you feel like you have been lying. Its YOUR business!!! You are looking wonderful! Pat yourself on the back and enjoy your life as you choose to live it!!! Go girl!

Genise August 2, 2010 at 3:56 PM  

Rejoice in your success...you earned it! I hope you feel as good as you look.

Don't let anyone's negativity bring you down. You tell who you want to tell and let that be that.

Janna August 2, 2010 at 6:43 PM  

I have seen from your facebook pics that you were losing weight and are looking amazing- not that you weren't gorgeous before! :) That is such an amazing decision to make for yourself and you should be proud and ignore any naysayers! I'm trying to work on losing weight for the same reasons and this post really reminded me to get back to the basics of working out and eating right! Thanks and keep on keeping on- You look great!

Michelle B August 2, 2010 at 7:24 PM  

Followed you here from your OH post.
You look fan-freaking-tastic. Hot tamale! :) Feel free to friend me on facebook /babagrlshell
It's totally up to you to do the work, the RNY just gave us that little push!

Victoria Henson,  August 3, 2010 at 4:14 PM  

hey hun, I am so proud of you and reguardless of what you have had done you still have been really working on your weight loss and you look awesome. Screw anyone that tells you different. Keep it up!!!!!

Kasey August 5, 2010 at 7:54 AM  

You look so great, Morgan!! You really are an inspiration!

Lauren Ragan August 5, 2010 at 1:41 PM  

My parents want me to have Lap Band, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have an extreme fear of surgery; actually, its more a fear of being put to sleep more than anything. And I've tried diet after diet and can't loose weight; partially because I have PCOS and partially because, like you said, I love to eat.

You really are an inspiration, but I think I'm going to try "cutting back" again because that's how I lost my weight back in high school and it was the easiest for me. Because the thought of surgery, makes me sick to my stomach, I can't lie.

I am very proud of you and hope you keep up the good work and I hope to one day be blogging about how well my diet is going. That whole motivation things isn't working for me lately. I've tried to start a "diet" like six times this year, but I think I'm actually going to start soon because you truly have inspired me, Morgan.. Thank you.

Kaitlin August 10, 2010 at 9:10 PM  

Total inspiration~ I can't wait to have before and after pics ;)

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