Monday, July 26, 2010

When did you start to rule my life?

It dawned on me the other day that sometimes numbers rule my life, and I honestly allow numbers to either make or break my day.

112- the number of pounds I have lost
47- the number of inches I have lost since April
27- the number, or well percent of fat on my body
12/14- the numbers in my jeans
34- the other number that is in some of my jeans
68.5- the number of inches that make my height
***- the number on the scale
670- the number of calories I burnt in spinning class today
500- the number of calories I've eaten thus far

Every now and then a letter jumps in there, but it has the same effect as the number. Who wants an "XL" or an "L"? No one thats who. I like my "M"' much in fact that I wont buy any shirt that has an "L" inside because I let that define me. I let numbers and letters define me. I doesn't matter if the brand is known to run small, a Large is out of the question...I will only buy the medium, and if it doesn't fit, well then I didn't like it anyways. How pathetic is that? Really pathetic.

I see you sitting there nodding your head feeling like I'm talking about you. You do the same thing, and you really can't deny it. You get on the scale in the morning and if its a number you like, your happy, if not you let it make you have a bad day. You let it define you to, its a fact. 

Now, you should know, I don't always let it define me. And I do love myself, and I'm starting to love my body, finally. But when is enough, enough?  I ask myself that often, especially now since I'm "normal" and getting close to my goal. Here we go again though, my goal is a number. I feel like that number inside my pants needs to be an 8. Why you might ask? Well I have no idea. Once I'm finally there will that be enough for me or will I still want more?

My next question and complaint is, do only women feel this way? 

I mean I don't see my husband sitting around worrying about having to buy a large shirt, or 36x34 jeans because his legs are just too dang muscular to fit into 34's. He buys the 36's and wears a belt, and goes about his day. That is what a normal human being should do. They shouldn't look at the tag inside a pair of jeans and get anxious if they do or don't fit. That out of control, and I'm convinced that this is mostly an issue for females. 

What causes this? Is it the media? Is it just a mental thing? Am I the only one? I know I can't be, because I know of other people who feel the same way. 

Maybe its just because I was once obese and now I'm not. I'm not sure. The real issue might be that this was never as big of a deal when I was fat (I mean I'm still fat, but I'm normal fat now, not fat fat). How did getting healthy and losing weight make me so vain about "my stats"?

I don't look at other people and say "Oh wow, so you have 32% body fat? That sucks." and I know if I don't do that to them, chances are they aren't thinking that about me. But, what if they are? I know I look at other women who pass me in the mall and wonder what size jeans they are wearing. Mostly because they are the "size" I'd like to be, and about my height so I wonder. Does curiosity really kill the cat?

Now for some visual progress to motivate myself to continue on the right path, and be proud of myself.
This is me before.

These are me -100lbs.

Until tomorrow. If your still there.


Kasey July 26, 2010 at 3:21 PM  

Keep up the great work, Morgan! You are an inspiration!

lalalaurenragan July 26, 2010 at 3:59 PM  

This was truly inspirational, Morgan.. And believe me, you are not the only one that feels this way.. I would rather wear clothes that don't fit than go up yet another size.. I have been offered everything from a new wardrobe to a free trip to Las Vegas if I lost weight and could never get going.. But you have inspired me.. Thank you..

Morgan Latiolais July 26, 2010 at 4:39 PM  

Lauren- at some point I realized I couldn't do this for other people, or for "things". I had to do it for myself, my health, and my happiness. I'm glad I have inspired you. You can do this, if you really have the desire.

Jennifer July 26, 2010 at 7:56 PM  

You look amazing Morgan!!! :)

J July 26, 2010 at 8:05 PM  

You're doing GREAT! And for the record, C is similar. We talk a lot about how he's lost so much weight but he's not cut. He hates it, and is very insecure about clothes. not tell that i told you that. :p

Morgan Latiolais July 26, 2010 at 9:18 PM  

J- I guess it is nice to know that someone from the opposite sex feels this way. Not that I'd wish it on anyone. lol It just seems to be more of a female issue for some reason. I'm working on it though. Its nice to have an open forum in which to share though.

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